A Girl’s Confession

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KNS!!!

arhhgg!!  

i’m studying for tomorrow’s exam.

haiz.

though i kept on saying i wouldn’t do as well as last semester for sure.

but deep in my heart.. i still hope that i will..

last semester i scored 3As (one is A+ even) and 3Bs.

will i be able to maintain my grades, do even better or worst, no As at all.

suddenly, i thought of why so many people prefer blogging online than writing a diary (handwritten).

for me, though i’m keeping a handwritten diary too but i still perfer blogging.

i perfer typing than writing.

it’s faster in that way…i can type such a long entry within such a short time and i wouldn’t feel tired.

i wouldn’t feel my hand aches too..

the funny thing is i seem to be able to think better.. as in my mind flows more smoothly while i’m typing than writing.

tell you a secret.. the reason why i keep the handwritten diary is because i meant to give it to C.. as a present.

but he knows of it already cos i showed it to him when we had a BIG BIG quarrel the other time..

after we had celebrated our 3rd year anniversary..

you might think it seems that we always quarrel but actually we are very loving one..

he took a lot of his own time off to accompany me..

instead of some guys who prefer going out with their friends..

he rather spend the time with me..

and even don’t mind to accompany me with my friends..

maybe because i’m his first love??

hmm..

is it true that guys always treat their first love better.. or if not, it’ll always be their sweetest memory to keep?

i guess only guys will know then.

yesterday i cried… in front of C…

i just couldn control my tears…

i saw S, a sis of mine’s blog tat she’s feeling miserable and all..

she’s asking if the miserable feelings she felt is because of exams or her bf..

i immediately call her aupon seeing her entry.

she’s alright now.

and i was thinking…

she couldn even settle her own problems..

should i just confide in her??

this is what i always felt.. that’s why u can say i rarely tell my friends about the problems i faced..

about the worries i felt.. about the troubles i have.. about the stress i experienced..

i don’t wish to be a burden to anyone..

i wanted to be a "kai xin guo" that brings joy to my loved ones around me..

so i think i’ll choose to keep mum then.

at least C knows…

i finally told him amidst of my sobbing that i’ve actually thought of dying when we are quarreling and i was in his car..

i thought of jumping off from his car..

at that point of time, i felt as if all these are too much for me..

Is it that God don’t want me to have happiness??

such a person like me ain’t fit to be happy???

getting back my family means i will not have my love??

no one knows of this blog of mine..

i just want to confide..

thank you for providing me such a space.

my sister is in IMH.

my grandma is in hospital.. suffering from a stroke.

i’m having my exams this week.

why must all things come at one go?